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Perdana Global Peace Organisation
89 comments:
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
Learn to speak Chinese
spacer
Are you harboring a fugitive-
Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. -
Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse -
Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high -
No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach -
Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table -
Ai Bang Mai Fa King Ni
I think you need a facelift -
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here -
Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? -
Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet -
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. -
No Pah King
You are not very bright -
Yu So Dum
I got this for free -
Ai No Pei
I am not guilty -
Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer -
Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week -
Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived -
Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight -
Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile -
Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink!
Hu Flung Dung?
Aliens Attack
One night, the Prime Minister was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Special Branch (bukit aman).
"Mr. Prime Minister," said the four-star Commissioner of Police, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and berkencing minyak."
Yo mama is so fat, that every time you smack her butt, you can ride the waves!
Lunch time
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. They were all builders and they were working on a sky-scraper. They always ate lunch on the top of the building. The brunette always had a ham sandwich for her lunch, The red head always had a cheese sandwich, and the blonde always had a turkey sandwich. One day they all got sick of always having the same thing to eat everyday, so they made a deal. They all said that if they brought the same sandwich they usually bring, they would have to jump off of the top of the building.
The next day, the blonde was found dead on the ground by the building. The husbands of the three builders were there and they started to talk. The red head's husband said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a peanut butter and jelly j so she wouldn't jump off."
The husband of the brunette said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a turkey sandwich so she wouldnt jump off."
They both looked at the wife of the blonde and he said:" Don't look at me, my wife packs her own lunch!"
Haha I heard them somewhere before.. except the Prime minister one.. lolz
The Man With One Brain
Did you hear about the man that was born with both sexes?
He had a dick and a brain!
The Little Bird
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
Sunday morning at 11
In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients were dying in the same bed every Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.
So a world-wide expert team was contaced and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. On the next Sunday morning a few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil.
Just then the clock struck 11…
And then……
Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.
Quickie?
A man’s running his eye over a menu in a restaurant when his attractive waitress asks him what he’d fancy. “A quickie, please” “Sir,” she says, “I’ll ask you one more time, is there anything that takes your fancy?” “Yes,” says the man again. “A quickie.” Outraged she slaps him across the face and storms back across the restaurant in a huff. “Mate,” says the guy at the next table, “it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”
Micheal Jackson joke
Q: What is the difference between Micheal Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and harmful for children to play with, and the other you put groceries in.
camp
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".
Washcloth
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.
She responded, "It's my wash cloth."
Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.
The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it."
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.
A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."
The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"
The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."
Free Tattoo
A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it."
The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100.
3 Girls on a Plane
There were 3 girls on a plane thats about to crash.
The American girl puts on her makeup, "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first" she said.
French girl opens her bra,"Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful tits."
The African removes her knickers and says "F*&k off, they always look for the black box first."
Doggy Style Joke
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Does your wife ever do it doggy style?” asked the one. “Well… not exactly.” his friend replied, “She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”
“Oh, I see, so she’s kinky eh?” he asked curiously. “Well… not exactly… I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.”
Woman Talks, Man Hears
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if wedon't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
By The Way....
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
Fill 'er Up
A man walks in the door after a day at the office to find his wife crying at the kitchen table. “What’s wrong?” he asks.
“I went to the store today, and a horrible man looked up my skirt. He said, ‘I’d like to fill that with beer and drink it,’” she sobs. “I wish you’d been there to kick his ass.”
“Listen, honey, I’ve repeatedly told you to wear panties every day,” replies the husband. “And, second, there’s no way I’d mess with anyone who could drink that much beer.”
Lorraine
There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing..." I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."
Payday
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
lolz.. why got so many 18++ jokes.
im not suppose to read you noe. haha
ur moma so fat ..that evertime they hang a pic of her on the wall ... it falls off..hahaahaha.
lolz havent heard d yo mama one b4.. funny!! damn funny.
So many 18SX jokes,. Def a adult doin dis lah SJ ah! LOL
thats da way for us to grow up quick!! haha. giler la. 18+++ wow!!
Hilarious !! hahaa
Yo Momma so fat she stepped on a scale and it said Please! Only one person at a time!
YOUR MOMMA IS SO FAT WHEN SHE FELL IN THE GRAND CANYON SHE GOT STUCK HALF WAY DOWN
It was mealtime during a flight on Blonde Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
What do a blonde and a spaghetti noodle have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
What do ya get when ya line up 100 blondes ear to ear?
A wind tunnel
your mamma is so fat when she goes swimming in the ocean she gets harpooned.
Yo mama so stupid she got a peep hole in a glass door.
Yo mama so stupid she thought an aspiration was butt sweat.
Yo mama so stupid she looks at a can of juice for days 'cause it says concentrate.
Yo mama so stupid she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.
Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!.
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
Yo mama so stupid that she ran into an automatic sliding door.
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to drown a fish.
Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo mama so stupid she thought an elevator was a mobile home.
Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
WHAT IS THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN SEX AND A
SNOW STORM?
YOU NEVER KNOW HOW MANY INCHES YOU ARE
GOING TO GET, AND HOW LONG IT WILL LAST
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:
...........PRICELESS!
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs....what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?
Why do men masturbate?
Because they want to have sex with someone they love.
Q: What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute?
A: A little f*%ker about so tall.
Two whores were talking shop...
"Why is it," asked Sharon, "that I get as many customers as you, and yet you seem to make a lot more money than me?"
"Well, I'll let you in on a little trick," said Tracy. "What I do is, before I go out, I take a rubber band and stick it up my self. Then when I get a bloke back to my flat and he starts doing the business, it goes ping. I tell him he's just broken my virginity. I usually get an extra $20 for that!"
"I'll give that a try," says Sharon.
She does and it works just fine. Unfortunately, one day as she was getting ready, she found that the bag of rubber bands was empty. She searched around, but all she could find was a catapult. She carfully inserted the catapult and set off for work. Having returned with a fella, Sharon spread them and as the bloke got going there was the usual ping.
"You've just broken my virginity!" said Sharon.
"Screw that," said the punter. "My balls have just flown out of the window!"
Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Yo mama so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course.
Yo mama so stupid she couldn't read an audio book.
Yo mama so stupid she thought the Nazis were saying "Hi! Hitler".
Yo mama so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus.
Yo mama so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper.
Yo mama so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said levi's.
Yo mama so stupid when she walked into Walgreens she said, "These walls ain't green!!"
Yo mama so stupid she put a quarter in a parking meter and she yelled "were's my gumball."
Yo mama so stupid that when she looked in the mirror, she said stop copying me!
Yo mama so stupid she brought toilet paper to a crap game.
Yo mama so stupid she asked for a price check at the $.99 store.
Yo mama so stupid she walked into an antique store and said what's new!
Yo mama so stupid she saw a sign that said "WET FLOOR", So she did.
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2
hours to watch 60 minutes.
funny funny funny !!!
wanna hear a racist joke? hehee
Malaysia....
If a Chinese comes to you and gives you money, YOU KNOW he wants something from you.
If a Malay comes and gives you money, YOU KNOW where it came from.
(from the government)
If an Indian comes and gives you money, YOU KNOW it won't happen!!!
Hitler Joke!!
One day a young man goes to the fortune teller. The fortune teller said that he will be responsible for death of couple million people.
He was so scared that he wants to commit a suicide. He decide that he will jump from a bridge.
He was standing on the fence when he saw a little child in the river. Child was drowning. He said: I will save him! My soul will be a little cleaner! If i will be responsible for death of many people, I can save that child!
He start running to the river, he took a child and gave it back to mother. He was very happy, just like child's mother. Then mother said: Come on ADOLF, say thanks to sir!
Hail Hitler... hahaha
he's a big racist!!
funny funny!!
son asks dad- dad i need new pants for gym..
dad replies- why cant jim buy his own pants?
CNN : Joker was last seen in LSPJ Blog at 11.33pm....
Batman : Im cuming !!!
hahahha the yo mama jokes damn funny man!!
Clinton, Suharto and Anwar were sent to Heaven for their crimes. They were, however given a second chance and sent back to earth.
'Repeat any of your mistakes, and you will go to Hell immediately!' warned God.
The trio then walked together back home. Along the way, Clinton spotted a pretty girl and whistled at her. With a 'poof', he disappeared instantly, and was on his way to Hell.
Then Suharto, who was walking in front of Anwar, saw a $50 dollar note on the ground, and bended down to pick it up. With a 'poof', Anwar disappeared.
What are the differences between Bill Clinton and Anwar Ibrahim?
1. Bill Clinton is a President of USA!
Anwar Ibrahim is a resident of ISA!
2. Bill Clinton's favorite tune is sax and symphony!
Anwar Ibrahim's favorite tune is sex and sodomy!
3. Bill Clinton's favorite phrase: Kneel over!
Anwar Ibrahim's favorite phrase: Bend over!
4. Bill Clinton plays saxophone!
Anwar Ibrahim plays sex-at-home!
5. Bill Clinton was shamed by ML (Monica Lewinsky)
Anwar Ibrahim was shamed by MM (Mahathir Mohamed)
6. Anwar Ibrahim's outcome: Demo riots
Bill Clinton's outcome: Demo tapes
7. Bill Clinton got a blow job!
Anwar Ibrahim got a screw job!
8. Anwar Ibrahim was upset by press report!
Bill Clinton was upset by Starr report
Bill Clinton, Lee Kwan Yew and Mahathir arranged to go on a world tour, traveling on a plane which can only take 4 people, including the pilot. Just before they left, Bill Clinton suddenly announced that he would like to bring his little nephew along.
'But the plane is designed to take 4 people only, and I'm afraid it may crash!' worried the pilot.
However, Clinton insisted, and finally the boy was allowed to board the plane. True enough, the plane encountered problems and was going to crash, but to their dismay, there were only 4 parachutes.
Clinton grabbed the 1st parachute and exclaimed,' I'm the president of the mighty USA, and my life is the most valuable!' and jumped down the plane without a second look.
Lee Kwan Yew grabbed the 2nd parachute and exclaimed,' I'm the Senior Minister of Singapore, and my life is just as important!' and jumped down.
Mahathir, not to be outdone, grabbed the 3rd parachute and exclaimed,' I'm the Prime Minister of Malaysia, the most important of all!!!' and also jumped down.
Now, only the pilot and the little boy was left. The pilot said,' Boy, you still have a long way to go in life. Take the last parachute, and I'll sacrifice myself.'
The boy looked at the pilot and smiled, 'Oh, we'll both live. Just now that Malay man took my schoolbag and jumped down with it!'
# who go to man's apartment for snack, gets tit-bit.
# Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.
# Man who gets kicked in balls, left holding the bag.
# Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
# Passionate kiss like spider web ... lead to undoing of fly.
# Man with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day.
# Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
# Virginity like balloon ... one prick, all gone.
# Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
# Man who farts in church, sits in own pew.
# Baseball all wrong ... man with four balls no can walk.
# Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
# Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
# Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
# Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
# Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
# Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
# Woman who fly upside down, have crack up.
# Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind wake up with solution well in hand.
# Girl who do back spring on bedspring have offspring next spring
* Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be a shiftless bastard.
* Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
* He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
* Wife who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
* Man who farts in church sits alone in pew.
* Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
* Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
* Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
* Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
* Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
* Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
* Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
* Modern house without toilet uncanny.
* Woman who springs on inner-spring this spring, gets off-spring next spring
* Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
* Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.
* Man who lay woman on ground has peace on earth.
* Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.
* Baseball very strange game. How can man with 4 balls walk?
* Woman who go to man's apartment for snack may get tit bit.
* Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
* Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
* Passionate kiss like spider web: lead to undoing of fly.
* Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.
* Man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag.
* Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
* Man who fights with wife all day, gets no peace at night.
* Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
* Wife who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
* Virginity like balloon, one prick and it is all gone.
* Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.
* Woman who flies upside-down have crack up.
* He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
* Man who have head up ass, have shitty outlook on life.
* Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change.
* A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.
* He who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
* He who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.
* Epileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
* Sleepy man who stand behind car get exhausted.
* Sleepy man who stand in front of car get tired.
* Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wakes up with smelly fingers.
* Man who stand on toilet, must be high on pot.
* Man who have hand in pockets, not crazy, just feeling nuts.
An Indian Vs Pakistani
By: Anonymous
There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"
An elderly Indian was admitted to the intensive care department of a hospital requested that he take lessons in French. The doctor was puzzled and asked him why.
"Well, French is the language of heaven," he sighed. "I want to be able to communicate with everyone in heaven if I die."
"But how are you so sure that you will end up in heaven? You might go to hell. What good will French do you then?" asked the doctor.
"That will no problem. I am fluent in Punjabi."
A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of Delhi found himself needing to urinate badly. After a long search he could not find any place to you-know, and eventually couldn't control himself and chose a silent corner of a clean street to release himself.
As soon as he had just started you-know-what, a Delhi police official approached him, "Hey, What do you think you're doing here?"
Pakistani tourist: "Sorry I have to Pee"
Police : "No PP here okay ? Follow me."
The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass, flowers and singing birds around.
Police: "PP here..... and have a nice day".
Pakistani tourist : "Oh Sir, ....... that's very nice of you, is this Indian courtesy?"
Police: "No.......this is The Pakistani Embassy!"
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The first ladies of UK, Japan and France were having a meeting with Lady Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the penis of their respective spouse.
The first lady of UK says, "It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the room"
The lady from Japan says, "It is like an army officer- you do not know where he will attack from- front or back.."
The French lady says, "It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it drops down..."
Then Hilary says, "It's like a rumor... it moves from one mouth to another..."
A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously masturbating!
She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of the men replied, "We all berry hungry"!
She responds, "But why are you whacking off?" One of the three says, "Because menu say `first come, first served!"
wakakka..lol lol lol
I had a good laugh man!!
48 Malaysian MPs on field trip to Taiwan. Their activities have been monitored by pressmen.
A number of MPs were seen talking with Taiwanese government officials.
Malaysian lawmakers have offered to purchase the Taiwanese Parliament Building for RM100 million.
An MP Colbie Caillet referred this move as "Hiding in a safer place"
Meanwhile, Prime Minister when asked to comment said that the Malaysian Parliament Building would be sold to Tycoon Tan Sri Vincent Tan for a token of RM1.00 and this was later confirmed by Vincent Tan's lawyer Datuk VK Lingam over the phone saying "correct correct correct"
Former Tourism Minister Tengku Adnan said that "It will definitely boost tourism in Malaysia"
Spitting In The Drink
A guy goes into a bar. He orders a beer, and after a while he needs to go to the toilet. Because he is afriad someone will drink his beer, he puts a small note on it that says: "I spit in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns, and there is another note on the beer, saying "So did I!".
Without Glasses
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.
I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!"
Bad Accident
A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."
Heaven And Hell
Heaven is where the police are British, the Chefs are Italians, the mechanics German, the lovers french and it is all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss and it is all organized by the Italians.
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"
Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?
It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"
A guy was carrying to cute babies.
A lady nearby asked him what were their names.
The guy said, "I don't know"
The lady replied, "What kind of father are you!? How can you not know your babies' name!?"
The guy replied, "They're not my babies! I work for Durex, and these are the complains"
not dirty oso?
come on, be a Lasallian!! lolz
Too many underage people here.
haha true true.
ok since you're new here, go cari some good stuff k. lolz
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